Greatest Hits: How NOT to Give Advice to Single People

(Originally Posted October 27, 2008)


Since I won't be writing much while I'm on Spring break this week, I'll be posting some of my previous articles.   I'll be back at it on Monday, March 29th.

So the other day, I met a really nice couple. The husband was friendly and asked me a lot of questions about my life. We chatted about travel, and I told them about my trip to Europe with my family.

"Husband and kids?" he asked.

"No, parents and brother. I'm single," I replied.

And then... such a speech. Here's what he advised me to do.

1. Make a specific list of everything you're looking for in a husband. This advice was accompanied by a lot of questions. Have you thought about what kind of things you're looking for? Really? Specifically? In detail? What about things you don't want? Really? Specifically? In detail?

2. Realize that that man exists. Pray specifically for him. He is the only man for you.

3. Recruit other people to pray for that specific man (who, remember, is the only man for you). Don't forget about the parable of the unjust judge. Pester God until he brings your husband along.

4. Remain under your father's authority.

5. If that doesn't work, join eHarmony.

I definitely wished I could have made the whole conversation just STOP, for the love of heaven and all its angels, STOP!! It basically sums up all the bad advice I've gotten about singleness -- not just the advice itself, but the context in which it was offered.

So here (as revenge) is MY advice to married people who feel tempted to say any of the above things:

1. Don't give advice to single people you just met. Relationship advice should be given in the context of -- surprise!! -- relationships. Most people would never give marital advice to a couple they just met, but the rules somehow go out the window when talking to single folks.

2. Think about your attitude before you offer advice. As Christians, we have to recognize that the problem of humans is sin, and the solution is the Gospel. Singleness is NOT a problem to be solved. Do I want to get married? DUH. But please don't see my life as something you can "fix" with some pithy tips.

3. Keep in mind that every person's situation is different. Again, folks get this ordinarily. But with singles, it seems like people are so much more tempted to say, "Well, such-and-such worked for _____, so it'll definitely work for you." It's not that your advice is necessarily wrong, but... for example, I have ZERO problem with online dating services. And the courtship model makes sense for younger singles who live near or with their parents. And I wish more of my married friends would be bold enough to set me up with some dudes. But not all of those things is right for every person. For crying out loud, one of my dearest friends emailed a guy from halfway around the world because he read her blog and jokingly called her a feminist and she didn't like it and then they started talking and fell in love and now they're married and she's pregnant with their first child. Good GRIEF. PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. Ok. Rant over.

4. Please, please, please, don't perpetuate the idea that there's one ideal man out there for every single woman, and she'll never be happy until she finds him. The Prince Charming Myth has disillusioned and embittered countless young women, clinging to their "lists" while overlooking godly men all around them. Yes, in the grand scheme of God's sovereign plan, he knows and chose who I'll marry. But in my time-bound perspective, there are any number of godly, ministry-minded men with whom I could have a good, happy, sanctifying, Gospel-centered marriage.

OK, single peeps, any other advice for our married friends? ;)

Greatest Hits: How NOT to Give Advice to Single People

(Originally Posted October 27, 2008)


Since I won't be writing much while I'm on Spring break this week, I'll be posting some of my previous articles.   I'll be back at it on Monday, March 22nd.

So the other day, I met a really nice couple. The husband was friendly and asked me a lot of questions about my life. We chatted about travel, and I told them about my trip to Europe with my family.

"Husband and kids?" he asked.

"No, parents and brother. I'm single," I replied.

And then... such a speech. Here's what he advised me to do.

1. Make a specific list of everything you're looking for in a husband. This advice was accompanied by a lot of questions. Have you thought about what kind of things you're looking for? Really? Specifically? In detail? What about things you don't want? Really? Specifically? In detail?

2. Realize that that man exists. Pray specifically for him. He is the only man for you.

3. Recruit other people to pray for that specific man (who, remember, is the only man for you). Don't forget about the parable of the unjust judge. Pester God until he brings your husband along.

4. Remain under your father's authority.

5. If that doesn't work, join eHarmony.

I definitely wished I could have made the whole conversation just STOP, for the love of heaven and all its angels, STOP!! It basically sums up all the bad advice I've gotten about singleness -- not just the advice itself, but the context in which it was offered.

So here (as revenge) is MY advice to married people who feel tempted to say any of the above things:

1. Don't give advice to single people you just met. Relationship advice should be given in the context of -- surprise!! -- relationships. Most people would never give marital advice to a couple they just met, but the rules somehow go out the window when talking to single folks.

2. Think about your attitude before you offer advice. As Christians, we have to recognize that the problem of humans is sin, and the solution is the Gospel. Singleness is NOT a problem to be solved. Do I want to get married? DUH. But please don't see my life as something you can "fix" with some pithy tips.

3. Keep in mind that every person's situation is different. Again, folks get this ordinarily. But with singles, it seems like people are so much more tempted to say, "Well, such-and-such worked for _____, so it'll definitely work for you." It's not that your advice is necessarily wrong, but... for example, I have ZERO problem with online dating services. And the courtship model makes sense for younger singles who live near or with their parents. And I wish more of my married friends would be bold enough to set me up with some dudes. But not all of those things is right for every person. For crying out loud, one of my dearest friends emailed a guy from halfway around the world because he read her blog and jokingly called her a feminist and she didn't like it and then they started talking and fell in love and now they're married and she's pregnant with their first child. Good GRIEF. PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. Ok. Rant over.

4. Please, please, please, don't perpetuate the idea that there's one ideal man out there for every single woman, and she'll never be happy until she finds him. The Prince Charming Myth has disillusioned and embittered countless young women, clinging to their "lists" while overlooking godly men all around them. Yes, in the grand scheme of God's sovereign plan, he knows and chose who I'll marry. But in my time-bound perspective, there are any number of godly, ministry-minded men with whom I could have a good, happy, sanctifying, Gospel-centered marriage.

OK, single peeps, any other advice for our married friends? ;)

Questions and Answers, Part 8

Hey Laura,

I guess the confusion for me still lies in whether those plans that “will definitely be carried out” necessarily involve details like marriage. You said, “If God's purpose is to sum up all things in Christ, like the Scriptures say, then whether or not I get married isn't all that important.” Yeah, and so it’s pretty easy to say, “Well, God doesn’t care either way, therefore whether or not I end up as a wife and mother is totally due to things like how attractive I am, how mature these boys are, the decisions I make in relationships, etc., etc.” Of course, this is a very anxiety-inducing way to think of it! It kind of makes things all my fault if they don’t go “right,” rather than being according to Gods Will. So, naturally, I don’t like that idea and it doesn’t sit right with me when I consider God’s goodness and love for us.

Your Friend,

X

Hey Girl,

It's a tough balance, for sure, because in one sense, it doesn't matter if you get married or not in the grand scheme, because God's purposes will be accomplished either way. But God is ultimately in control, not just of the overarching themes of history and your life and mine (although you're right, that is extremely helpful for perspective to keep in mind), but of the details of our lives as well. Look at Psalm 139, for example. God knit you together. He sees your going out and your coming in. He knows your thoughts. He "hems you in" from all around (a pretty amazing thought!). He wrote down all your days before you ever existed. That says to me that he is intimately involved (although mysteriously for sure) with the daily stuff of our lives.

The problem with, "God doesn't care either way. He's powerful enough to work with whichever way I go" is that it quickly becomes two things: one of which you've noted, which is Oh Crap, it's all up to me. But the other is, well, then, I can do whatever I want because God can work with whatever I give him. That's true in a way, but we're still accountable to him for our decisions. I'm not saying you're going that direction, but historically, that's where Christians have gone -- either to over-emphasizing our own responsibility in living a holy life or under-emphasizing our accountability to God to live rightly.

So... it's a tension, and something I get pulled back and forth on in a big way. Yes, God can work in spite of my deficiencies, but yes, I also have a responsibility to participate in my sanctification and move toward holiness, because God is at work within me. I think it's helpful to frame it like that. God's work is at both ends, making my work possible. Philippians 2:12-13 is basically my favorite verse because of this: "work out your salvation with fear and trembling, because it is God who works in you, to will and work according to his good pleasure." God is at work, so I can work (and live and pray and do my daily stuff) both with confidence in and awe of God, who works everything according to the pleasure of his will.

With the "marriage" issue, the balance (or tension, I guess) is in saying, OK, God cares. He is at work. I have a responsibility to grow in godliness, to strive for those qualities that make up righteous woman, and to seek him -- remembering that I can work because he is already working to sanctify me. Those godly characteristics won't make God bring me a husband (which I've actually heard -- "God won't bring you a husband until you've taken care of X issue in your life" which is incredibly lame). The truth is, if he does bring me a husband, then those qualities will help me become a wise and godly helpmate. If he doesn't right now or for a while or ever (although that's pretty statistically unlikely), those qualities will help me be content and joyful in whatever circumstance I end up in.

I don't think I've ever actually achieved that kind of balance, and I may never. But there it is...

;)

L

Questions and Answers, Part 7

Hey Laura,

Now here’s a big question: how does God’s sovereignty really play into this whole deal? The fact is, we all know it, a lot of people are increasingly immature and delaying marriage, for example, because of their fear of commitment and… I don’t know, inordinate affection for X-Box or something. But God doesn’t force them to obey him, push them into marriage, right? Now I do believe that God works all things together for good. But I see this in the way of sanctification, which of course, is our ultimate goal in life. But in the details? What’s your take?

Your Friend

X

Hey Girl,


Here's where I start with the whole "free will" thing. I said a little bit of it the other night, I think. My fundamental premise is that we are perfectly free to act as our nature allows (for instance, I can walk and run and crawl and skip and do cartwheels... but I can't fly). Which means that

1. unbelievers, who have a sinful nature unchanged by the Holy Spirit, are perfectly free to behave according to their nature, which is marred by sin. That's what depravity means -- every element of human nature is touched by sin -- NOT that humans are as sinful as they could be. I believe that God in his mercy and love for his creation and for his people restrains human sinfulness.

2. believers, whose sinful nature is being mortified and replaced with the nature of Christ as we are conformed to his image by the Holy Spirit, are free to act according to our renewing nature. This is why Paul talks about the war within himself -- on the one hand, we desire to follow Christ, but on the other hand, our sinful nature is still fighting against us.

I also think there are two ways to look at God's sovereignty that are true simultaneously. From our perspective, since we cannot know the future, and because God actually operates within time in our lives, every choice we make has true, infinite possibilities until we make it. When I choose to turn left instead of right at the stop sign, or to take Job A rather than Job B, or to marry Joe and not Fred, those are real choices that limit and change my future choices. But from God's perspective, since he exists outside of time and knows all events in the scope of time because he created them, we also say that he is sovereign over those things. They don't happen apart from his purposes being fulfilled.

I think you're right to look at things from a "sanctification" perspective -- just don't forget the universal perspective too, that God's purpose is to redeem for himself a people, i.e. the Church, not just individuals, and to redeem and transform creation -- all through Christ. So in some sense, Jesus is the goal of all creation. That helps me put the whole "marriage" thing in perspective. If God's purpose is to sum up all things in Christ, like the Scriptures say, then whether or not I get married isn't all that important (which, uh... don't see me as one of those people who pretends not to care. Cuz I do). I believe God already knows each hour of my life, but not in a weird micromanagement way that turns me into a robot. Like I said, when we're talking about human life within the constraints of time and space, God's sovereignty and our (real, meaningful) choices look very different.

I DON'T think we're meant to spend our whole lives looking for "signs" of what we're supposed to do, or that we're supposed to pray about what color to paint the bathroom or where to eat dinner or stuff like that. I believe that God uses what he gave us -- our experiences, our education, our brains, our consciences -- guided by the Holy Spirit, to put our lives in line with his plan. I think that's one reason the Scriptures talk so much about wisdom and ALSO emphasize the inevitability of God's plan.

That's why I don't like to talk about "the man God made for me" or whatever. I think that, in that time-bound human perspective of God's sovereignty, there are dozens if not hundreds of men I could marry and be happy with and have a godly marriage and raise a godly family with. I can think of several off the top of my head -- not guys I would necessarily marry right now but men I know are godly Christians with a biblical understanding of marriage, guys who love God's church, who could lead me, who'd be good dads, etc. I don't think it's some mystical thing that we have to feel all googly about or panic about or spend four hours a day praying about. God uses means to accomplish his will -- means like the preaching of the Gospel, and our brains and hearts. Means like first dates, wedding ceremonies, and uteruses. Things don't usually spring fully-formed from God's mind -- he graciously brings us into his plan for all creation by giving us responsibilities and using our choices to accomplish the summing up of all things in Christ. Which I think is pretty awesome.

L